Below its mirth-killing pun of a title, this AFP article announces that Arctic Monkeys — an irrationally popular British rock band — think that the Live Earth series of environmentally-themed concerts is stratospherically stupid. If they had delivered that opinion to me in the form of one of their songs, I probably would have missed the remainder; but as it happens, I agree with them.

The article continues:

They are not the only stars to take a cynical view of Live Earth, which aims to raise awareness about global warming but which will require many longhaul flights and thousands of car journeys to and from the music venues.

Many of the biggest acts have questionable environmental credentials — the car-loving rapper Snoop Dogg appeared in a Chrysler commercial last year — and there are doubts about the ability of pop stars to galvanise the world into action. [British spellings their own.]

Large concerts and festivals have got to be one of the most energy-sucking forms of consumer activity that we’ve so far collectively devised (it’s brilliant, really). Between the combined travel, the audio equipment and lighting, the advertising and food prep, the preparation and cleanup of the grounds, and so much more, Mother Earth would owe you a firm leafy handshake if you stayed home to drive your coal-fired Hummer repeatedly around the block instead of attending.

But all good things have a price, and the mission can redeem the journey if the cause is worthwhile enough. So what’s the cause, you ask with baited breath. Well, I’ll tell you. There’s this thing, see, this theory, that human activity is warming the planet. I like to call it… Global Warming. No, this is a real thing. And by “thing” I mean “really, really ridiculous joke.” What’s that? You’ve heard of it already? Well…have your friends — ask the ones who really love bland music first, btw? Oh. Them too. Hm.

The above, of course, is a staging of the conversation that should have taken place within the first, oh, half hour of this thing being proposed, since the actual goal is — I’m not kidding here — to spread the word about Global Warming. (By “being proposed” I mean by Al Gore, and by “conversation” I mean “slide show.”) To their credit, the organizers do still seem a little bit torn on the issue of trying to make everyone just stay at home, based on the bands they’ve invited to perform.

So if you’ve been looking forward to the Live Earth concerts as a new fusion of new, cutting-edge social topics like Global Warming, and new, cutting-edge music like The Police, know that I sympathize. But for all the reasons outlined above, it’s imperative that you STAY HOME. But not only that: don’t watch the concerts on TV or listen to them online. If you must sate your desire for Live Earth coverage, take after my Arctic Monkeys example: accept written word only. If there’s something other than the Earth worth saving, it’s your delicate sense of musical good taste.